Feeling moody? Stop fixing your life from the outside.

This morning I woke up and felt a little sad emptiness inside. Nothing had happened that could explain the feeling. My life was exactly like the days before, when I felt content and happy. Why did I suddenly feel, like something was missing?

 

My initial response to this feeling was: I don’t want to feel this. I have to fix it. Eat chocolate, watch a movie, make a plan, find a hobby or finally put this new career plans into action. 

 

But: The feeling apparently came from my inside. Why was I looking for the cure in the outside? And why did I want to cure it anyway? Can’t I just sit with this feeling for a while and see, if it will disappear into the nowhere where it appeared from? It was such a strong conditioned behaviour to protect myself from the feeling and resist it. Deny it to be there, because I couldn’t endure it.

It’s what we always do: As soon as a feeling makes us uneasy or is painful, we want to get rid of it.

 

We don’t want to feel the pain, because it is scary to just feel it and let it be there. But maybe the feeling is there to teach us something? An old pain that wants to be acknowledge so that it may release? What can possibly happen if we dare to face the feeling?

 

We seem to be unable to trust, that the feeling will pass. By now we should know, when we look back at our life, that feelings never stay forever. It is the law of nature, that shifts happen and sometimes these changes don’t feel very pleasant. In the end we do not have full control over them. Like I never asked for this feeling to come, but suddenly it appeared on the surface. It was there all the time, buried somewhere and ready to emerge whenever the conditions are in place.

 

The problem is, that we think we have control.

 

We are sure, that we must have the power to make it right. Just take the right pill and life is magic again. But life doesn’t work like this. We don’t walk on this earth to be full of bliss and joy all the time. We need anxiety, distress or unhappiness to see where we still hold onto old trauma. It is crucial to experience bliss as well as pain in order to find ourself in the equanimous and well-balanced middle of contentment. It is the chance to grow and evolve.

 

We naturally crave happiness and bliss and therefore resist all unpleasant things that arise in our mind. This can only lead to suffering, because good as well as bad feelings and everything we experience, is impermanent. Thus suffering is inevitable and very normal to a human existence. As long as we are not aware of this, we will remain trapped in this insatiable hollow of misery.

 

When we are surfing the ups and downs of the wave of our life, we can not withstand when the water is flowing downwards. It is not possible to stay on the highs all the time. We need the downs to gather the speed to be liftet up again.

 

With all this I do not mean that we should ignore feelings and just remain where we are because we can’t change our life anyway. No. But the way we react to the feelings and the level to which we hold on to them and let our life be guided by them - that is something we can influence. 

 

I continuously work on not taking my low feelings so serious anymore.

 

Emotions may be there but at the same time they may not define who I am or rule the way I live my life. Why should I take them serious, if they will disappear anytime again? This doesn’t mean that I ignore my feelings or that they are not painful anymore. But I am aware and observe them, in order to understand the message they are carrying. They hand me a mirror to reflect my inner world. I heal them from the inside instead of taking the pill :)

 

Feel the feeling, surrender to the feeling, love yourself

 

From my teacher Nishan (Healing with Insight) I learned the “Feel, Surrender, Love” meditation technique, to release emotional blockages and heal the attached pains:

1. Find the physical sensation of the feeling in your body: head area, chest or belly? 
2. Observe the feeling: what size, colour and shape?
3. Feel the feeling separated from the attached story - feel the sensation that it creates in your body.
4. After a while, surrender to the feeling. Let it just be there and focus on your legs touching the ground.
5. Now evoke a feeling of unconditional love for yourself in your body and mind. Focus for example on the chest area and become wide and warm. Let the feeling spread through your whole body.

My most powerful revelation: Sometimes there is another feeling attached to the feeling

 

Sometimes this second feeling is the problem and solution. It could be a feeling like "I am ashamed of the feeling", "I do not want to feel this", "I am not allowed to feel this" - I judge myself and I resist. When you find a second feeling in your body as well, focus on this and apply the same steps as above.

 

It is truly amazing, how feelings seem to evaporate after a while, when you finally dare to pay them some attention. But also maybe they don’t go anywhere but merely loosen their grip around my mental state. Of course I can not speak for any kind of trauma or depression, you have to see for yourself, how far you can go. Take baby steps and enjoy the little glimpses of joy and relief that might appear on the way….

 

I was inspired to write this poem about our friend, the feeling...

 

You can neither touch me

nor hold me forever.

I come and go, you wonder why...

Sometimes I decide to stay longer

and watch you cry.

You push me away and scream in despair, but I don’t care.

Hide and seek we will play forever.

Until you finally understand, that only by sitting next to me,

I will be able to leave. 

Become my friend and you will

realise my emptiness 

Never had I any ground

beneath my feet.

Watch me with kind eyes.

I long for your tender touch. 

So I may burst and dissolve like an air bubble in the empty sky...