The pain is real - but the story is not. Triggers defining reality.

Waking up and realising that many of our actions are based on old emotional injuries is very painful. When we suddenly see, that we created our reality based on learned emotional habits that have nothing to do with what is actually going on. We see and interpret something that is not happening and act based on this perception. At the same time the other person is reacting to our behaviour, also based on his or her own stories and we create a completely new reality. Thats a mind-fuck? :) Yes. It is painful and makes me crazy to witness it happening in myself. 

 

But the awareness is like alway the first necessary step for healing.

 

Most of the time the reasons for our emotional pain are hidden in our childhood. We get hurt by the behaviour of another person and for sure, it must be the fault of the other. What he or she said made us sad. However, the only thing the person did, was triggering a very old pain. His or her behaviour reminded us unconsciously (!) of something our parents or other people did to us when we were younger. 

I am probably not telling you anything new, we all know about the inner child and that a lot of our personality and patterns are shaped by the way we grew up. Loving parents, careless parents, happy or broken families, mobbing in school or fun-times with friends. We were the shy child, the aggressive bully or popular girl. 

 

But it is a difference if we know this on a mind-level or emotional-level. Knowing something as a fact, reading about it is for sure important but it will not heal us. Our knowing has to go deep inside, penetrate our whole being and become an inner wisdom. To know something so deeply needs a lot of presence and the ability to see clearly behind our emotions and thoughts.

 

Be brave and sit with the feelings. Cry, scream, feel.

 

At the same time it demands courage to get to know our feelings. Fearlessness of sitting with the pain, anxiety, loneliness or anger. We always tend to numb these emotions with media, alcohol, food, work or any other form of distraction. Just so that we don’t have to feel this uncomfortableness. 

 

In my emotional healing meditation I focus on the physical manifestation of the feeling in my body.  This happens without going into the attached trigger-story, that apparently caused it, because the reason usually is so much older. I realise the impermanence of emotions and that I can never control them. I totally accept the pain, anger or sadness and surrender to it. Thereby their firm grip loosens, I honour that any feelings are part of the human existence and will come and go…

 

The apparent source of our pain is a trigger and not the real reason.

 

It helped me a lot to trace back the feelings to my childhood. To remember how I felt as a child made me cry. I was her again. It was relieving and enlightening because I suddenly realised, that every time I felt abandoned by people, I was actually feeling abandoned by my father. In a way this was no new information for me. But remembering it on an emotional, instead of a mind-level, made all the difference. I felt the pain of my little self and understood, that I could never have known, that it was not my fault, that he behaved in a certain way. What did I understand about the struggle of adults?

 

Of course one deep revelation is not enough, to stop the patterns and pain immediately. They are so deeply engrained in us. It is important to continue looking inside through a regular meditation practice. To be aware of all the different states of mind and emotional ups and downs. By observing continuously, we create more and more space between our center and the fabricated realities of thought and emotion. Looking beyond and seeing through all the learned behaviour mechanisms. We overcome our own ignorance.

 

You have a choice not to cooperate - change the rules of the game!

 

Once we see more clearly what is happening when old pain is triggered, our ability to act differently grows. We hold still for a moment and realise that we have a choice to simply not cooperate. We respond in a new way to instantly arising emotions and when we repeatedly do so, it will one day become a new and healthier behaviour pattern.

 

In a situation where we used to snap in anger or withdraw out of fear, we now simply choose not to verbalise it or demand different behaviour from the other person. We see more clearly, that the person is not acting in order to harm us, but is acting out of his or her own patterns. At the same time we now know, that the pain we feel is coming from somewhere else. So why not choose to react in a new way? I know it feels wrong and very unfamiliar in the beginning, but who says how we have to act anyway?   

 

It is truly magical to witness how life changes when we decide to not follow the habitual pattern. To consciously put an end to the never-ending, ever-repeating, pulling down spiral of complaining, blaming or arguing. Instead we create peace, equanimity and space for new experiences. I do not mean to deny or ignore your feelings, you are still aware, but today you are the master, not the slave. It feels like playing a game and changing the rules without anyone knowing.